How to begin?

As my fingers rest upon the keys my heart beats faster, even now, my eyes feel moist (I hate that word!) and I feel the need to blink repeatedly,my fingers feel heavy and clumsy; my palms and forehead feel hot and clammy.  I am scared to death to write a blog - a public blog - about anything, but to write about shame and vulnerability and wholehearted living! What was I thinking?  In truth, I can't imagine anyone ever reading it but that is not the point!

The point is: what if they do?

What if people read a blog about my journey and hate it!  Oh laws - what if they like it!  What if they then have expectations and then want more from me than I am willing to give or what if they think I am more than I really am.  

What if no one reads it and I'm left feeling alone with no one to connect to.  What if my family reads it! Or my close friends! People that probably should be my go to for help but I simply don't know how to start a conversation about shame with them so I turned to a virtual world instead. What will they think? What will they say?  What will I say?  

What if people are mean and critical - I'm terrible at punctuation and spelling!

This is my heart I am laying on the line and I am not sure how to work through people opening it up and stomping all over it! 

My chin quivers... I blink faster...

I could not imagine feeling more vulnerable as I being to write a blog about my experiences with learning to live a wholehearted life: that means I am writing a blog about learning to live with, wrestle with and overcome shame; it means being vulnerable - sharing those shameful moments with others.  It means being authentic - honest with myself and others about my situation and story. Sharing the pain and stupidity of my daily mistakes, the thought processes of my feeble mind, the stories I tell myself -it means admitting they are stories! TRUTH IS HARD TO SHARE!

Of course, living a wholehearted life is not a life wallowing in shame and swimming in your mistakes so, this blog will have to be about overcoming shame and about celebrations, about patting myself on the back - "Go Jenny!" This blog will have to be about accepting myself, about "being nobody but myself" (Brene Brown) about giving myself a gentle hug and saying, "Hey Girl, your enough." and learning to believe that others are enough just the way they are.  This blog will have to be about forgiveness and letting go and picking yourself up again. It's about fear; it's about courage. 

 I"m not very good at any of these things, and I'm scared to death to make that crazy obvious to the world.  

This blog is not: a how to blog, a philosophy argument, an educated and/or researched account of wholehearted living and it is in NO way, shape or form a commentary on how others should live their lives if they should want to achieve wholehearted living. No, this is simply the story of my life, about my quest for wholehearted living.

It is only appropriate that this blog begins by expressing my deep appreciation to Brene Brown for her willingness to be vulnerable and follow her "personal legend".  Reading her works have renewed my faith in myself and has given me a place to begin again.  She has also renewed my faith in Christ, in His atonement.  Her message of connecting with others, having compassion and courage is Christ's message and plea to all of us. His life, His ministry and His death were and will always be the ultimate example of compassion, connection and courage.  By living as he lived and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and over come shame we will find JOY - the kind of happiness that only He can give; we will find PEACE with others and ourselves regardless of circumstance. Deep down I know this is true and now I can start my journey of accepting His atonement and finding or recieving the joy and peace that He promises. So, thank you, Brene, for being His voice and putting His words into language that resonates with my heart. Thank you, for starting me on my "JOURNEY TO A WHOLEHEARTED LIFE".