I've Always Dreamed of Being a Teacher

As a child I always wanted to be a teacher.  I don't remember playing school - this wasn't some game; this was real.  I took every opportunity to teach - at church, helping neighbor kids, volunteering in classrooms.  In sixth grade, I had to demonstrate how to do make something - the teacher left it up to me to decide; I chose to teach the class how to make a stiff tarry cloth ghost - weird.  I earned the highest marks in class, well, I tied with Tanner who demonstrated how to properly brush your teeth. There is no way he was as engaging as I was but, the teacher said he had never seen such good presentations. I knew I was good, you see it's not what I was demonstrating its how good I was at explaining things step by step and still making things interesting and keeping the audience engaged.  Tanner was just good at explaining things and at being the cutest by in class - even the teachers thought so.

In high school I took two intern positions; one in fourth grade and one in sixth grade.  I loved them!  They loved me!!  Really loved me.  In collage I voluntarily volunteered in classrooms while taking my general classes and then I got a job working as an aid the schools.  they all loved me.  I really loved them.  In fact I loved everything about teaching - the dirty kids, the naughty kids, the parents (yes I did), grading papers, the staff, recess duty, everything.  I couldn't wait to be a teacher of my own classroom.  

Life doesn't always follow your dreams.

I started a family young, not really part of my plans, and thought is would be best to put my education on hold to raise my children.  Three beautiful children came into my world one at a time, each 2 1/2 years apart. When the youngest started kindergarten I jumped at the chance to get back in the classroom.  I started working as an aid in the schools again.

One year, while working as an aid, I saw some behavior in a teacher that I felt was wrong, inappropriate - not illegal mind you, just not right. Repeated behavior targeted at certain students and promised favors and grades to others. I gathered my evidence presented it to the principal and was told I would no longer have a job the following year.

My good husband said, "It's time you go back to school... If you want to." So I did. At the age of 33 I went back to collage and at the age of 35 I earned my bachelors degree and received my teaching certificate. That same year I was offered a position to teach 6th grade and I took it!

Life has a way of making your dreams come true!

I cried the day the principal handed me the keys to my very own classroom. I cried even harder when, just 5 years later, I gave the keys back.

In January of 2016, I found out I was going to have another baby at the age of 41.  I was put on bed rest that April.  I said good bye to my class on a Friday afternoon and I never went back.  They spent May with a substitute.  I said good bye through video - Oh actually I did go back once for a baby shower that my students through for me - not the teachers, my students.  And that fast my career as a teacher was over.  

Life has a cruel way of slamming doors on your dreams... right in your face and leaving you crying on the door step cold and alone, in the dark, wondering if you were just in a nightmare all along.

I don't need a woman's rights lecture on the fact that I can go back to teaching and that I am worth it and the world needs good teachers.  I know all that.  Coming home was a choice and for me it was the right choice, of that there is no question, so if coming home was the right choice ... when will the nightmare be over, when will the darkness fade to light, when will my heart warm and when will the tears dry?

These are the feelings that I felt as I started reading, for the first time, about living a wholehearted life. As I read I thought, can people really see and feel the pain, acknowledge the pain and be open to the darkness and pain that shattered dreams bring and still feel peace, happiness, and hope? Can they really have both? If so, that is what I want, because to walk away from my dream without pain seems so calloused, so coldly detached and lacks evidence of true passion and love - no, no I can't just walk away saying, "Oh well, wonder w.hat is going to come next."  No, I had to feel the pain, but the life I'm living now is glorious - no sarcasm.  It's nearly perfect; I think the only thing it's missing is the white picket fence and I want so badly to just jump in with both feet and let the goodness of it all wash over me and heal me from the pain, wake me from the night mare.  

I've been wanting to live completely in the light without giving up the dark and I am here to tell you that you can no do both. Living in light while being filled with dark is not a thing - it's a lie.

My first step to living a wholehearted life: truth. 

The truth is I loved it, teaching, and, I absolutely hated it!

The truth is I could go back to teaching any minuet. Nothing is forcing me to stay home.

The truth is I am excited about working in my yard and I take pride in a clean home and making healthy meals for my family. 

The truth is I can do anything I want everyday - I can take naps and go to the park and read.  I can choose what I do everyday.

The truth is I don't really want to go back - wow, I really don't want to go back! 

I just... don't want to be nothing, I want to be something.

The truth is I don't know what my something is and that makes me feel scared, afraid that, if teaching wasn't my something what is?

How will I shine?  Have I been lieing to myself my whole life about my gifts as a teacher?

I don't need a lecture about how important moms are!  I know they are something but... that just isn't where I want my story to end - that wasn't my dream.  Being a mom is awesome and it is something, I mean it's a big, big something, but it's not the something my heart is lacking.

Can life introduce a new dream?

Will it just take that dream away too?

The truth is... I'm afraid to dream again.

Truth brings light, and peace... and tears.  I will find a new dream! I will not fear the dark!