This last week I found myself presented with the option of living wholeheartedly or holding back. Of course, this happens daily, but this week when I was faced with a conscious decision "to be or not to be" I am proud to say I chose "to BE" and live wholeheartedly! (Even if it was hard and awkward at first.)
It was a beautiful fall day. Perfect weather. My little sisterhood of nieces with their children and I with my children headed over to the neighborhood pumpkin patch. As we arrived I felt a surge of energy; the excitement of fall and Halloween, a mixture of smells: hot chocolate and pumpkin, leaves, old wheat and dried corn and the warm sun on my face created the perfect fall picturesque moment.
We all got our tickets and went inside; after viewing all our options we decided to start at the corn kernel pit. As we approached the kernel pit a big smile crossed my face. I love watching children have fun. They have a natural carefree way about them that I am truly jealous of. As we got closer I realized that no other mother was getting in. Mom's were standing by strollers and taking care of babies; some mom's were on their phones doing whatever it is they do on their phone and other mom's were watching their kids play in the corn. While I was definitely enjoying the delightful scene I didn't want to just watch kids having fun, I wanted to have fun with them! But what would people think?
I had already had a morning full of, "What is the right outfit for the occasion; something that says cute fall but I don't want to look like I'm trying to hard; something that makes me look younger so no one thinks I'm the grandma of the group; something that hides the body imperfection so I don't have to be self conscience about someone seeing the roll at the top of my pants." Getting ready to go out in public can take a hit on your emotional and mental energy. Now here I was again, running through the same self doubting feelings: I'm not some cool teenager; I'm not a cute collage mom; I'm not fit and flexible; I'm 43 years old, slightly over weight and uncoordinated - I am not going to look natural or cool rolling around in that corn pit with a bunch of kids! (That wasn't a lie - it was true and sometimes I think we just listen to much to what is true and don't listen enough to what is truth!)
I helped my littlest take off her shoes and get in and watched my teenagers crawl in after her . They were having fun. I looked around... It seems my place was to stand outside and just watch the fun. My older girls were taking care of my youngest - I had no "excuses" to get in and play. I watched for a minute thinking through my feelings, weighing my emotions, and then it hit me - playing in the corn with the kids is what my heart wants. It might be social faus pas but it wasn't wrong. The only thing I could think of that was legitimately a concern was my size of body trying to maneuver in the pit with little bodies all round me. The more I thought of the the more I realized that was was really wrong was that I was choosing to be a spectator when what I longed for was to be a participant. Living wholeheartedly means breaking the mold when it's hard and letting go of social norms and following your hear. I committed to being careful and aware so as not hurt the small kids but I was going in! So, I did. At first I was a little timid and acted like I was there to help my little one. my girls said some thing like, "Woe - mom is coming in!" and they laughed a little, but soon, I was able to put all pretending a side and just have fun and it felt so good. We dug big pits and buried each other. We scooped up corn and just let it fall through our fingers; pored it on each others head and let squirmed as it fell down in to our shirts and pants. I laughed with my girls. I had so much fun. I didn't want to leave! My mind was still, in the moment - I wasn't thinking of what if's or social norms, how I looked or what my budget was or wasn't - I was just there in the corn with my girls having fun. In that moment it wasn't the excitement in the air or the smells of fall or even the beautiful sun streaming down on us that made that moment picture perfect. It was my choice to live wholeheartedly.
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