Learning shame resilience is key to living a wholehearted life, and to learn shame resilience we have to start recognizing the people, situations and feelings that trigger shame. Last week I had a bit of an ah-ha with this whole idea. I started realizing that I respond to shame differently around different people. The shameful messages are similar in both of the following stories but the outcome is drastically different!
My husband and I had invited some new friends over to play games. I had spent too much time cleaning and preparing the food and so when the doorbell rang I realized hadn't taken the time to change my clothes and look "presentable". I immediately started down the path of shame: "I knew I shouldn't have tried to have people over. What am I thinking - I'm some Martha Stewart! I'm not tricking anyone here. I look ridiculous. My hair is a mess. My shirt is too short and it accentuates my muffin top. I'm so fat. I have no clothes to hide this belly. I have mud on my knees from gardening! Good grief I never even took a shower! I must stink from all my rushing around today. I am such a slob." And then, as if to add insult to injury, I looked down at my toes and remembered that I never fixed that botched up toe nail job from last night! "I am such a screw up." And in the blink of an eye I went from proud to shame; from excited to hang out with some friends to oh please just make them go away. My husband welcomed them in and I our friends walked in with a smile on their face - they made no comment about my looks or even the effort I had put into the house. There was no, "I love what you've done with the place." or "Gosh it looks like you've been working hard." or "Gee I wish I could make desserts like that." They didn't comment about anything at all in fact, they simply came to play games and hang out with me. I soon realized that these friends would never criticize me because of my small muffin top; they wouldn't look at my clothes and think they were too short or too tight; they would never care or even notice that I had mud on my knees from gardening, or that my toenails were all botched up. This couple was just glad to be in my home visiting and playing games and laughing together. With the realization that I was cared for, regardless of my circumstance, came new knowledge and confidence that allowed me to move forward with my game night and have a great time. It was so freeing!
But not all moments have a great ending and not all people are that open and welcoming. In fact, often it's our own family who lights our shame and fuels it until it's a roaring wild fire with in us.
The very next night I found myself at a fireside about challenges women have with body image. My girls and some extended family were there with me. As I sat in the company of these good women I was keenly aware of my weight, the style of my clothes, the weight and style of my girls and even how my legs were crossed. I was super self-conscious about my dress and felt that was a little baggy in certain areas; I worried about my hairy legs and about my hair that was simply pulled back into a ponytail instead of fixed nice. Messages of "I should have" and "I wish I were" and If only" were screaming through my mind and as the presenters shared their message of the challenges women face about their own body image I soon became very aware that I had a problem and I felt like my whole family may be having the same problems and maybe we could be a support to one another. As we left I struggled to share my thoughts and concerns with my family. I wanted to be a good example for my own daughters of all we had just learned and felt. I tried to build courage to say what my heart longed to say but the door was slammed and I shrunk further into shame, as the conversation went to criticizing and correcting the presenters on their misguided ideas. I began to feel stupid for even thinking that I could make a change. I felt ridiculous for even thinking a change needed to be made; instead of coming home feeling more empowered as a woman, I felt deflated and hopeless.
I took some time to process the different experiences and realized that in both situations it was the people I was with that helped me rebound from the shame or dive down deep into further shame.
Ah- ha #1: I want to be in charge of my own feelings! I don't want to give that power to others. When I start recognizing negative thoughts about myself I want to be the first person to remind myself that I am something special and I am enough just the way I am!
Ah-ha #2: I want to be the kind of person that lifts people from a place of shame to a knowledge of their own light and goodness. I want to see the person and not the circumstance they are in.
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