Living a wholehearted life means living with integrity and intent.
The following are my notes from "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown (pg 49-54)
Guidepost #1: Cultivating Authenticity - Letting go of what other people think
CHOOSE TO: Show up, be honest, show your true self (I need to be at peace with who I am before I can show it)
Let go of SUPPOSE TO; embrace YOU!!
practice daily habits:
-courage to be imperfect, set boundaries, be vulnerable
-exercise compassion (trust that the atonement, Jesus Christ will ease your pain and the pain of others, trust that he is the Savior and will take care of you and others)
-nurture the connection and sense of belonging that can only happen when you BELIEVE YOU ARE ENOUGH
"be nobody but yourself"
"Believe you are enough;" "Be nobody but yourself" - these words leapt off the page and jumped right into my heart as I read them. It was almost that I was breathing for the first time. I was filled almost instantly with hope. "Yeah! I am enough!" But as I closed the book and started living life I realized that is so much easier said than done.
I'm a fairly honest person. In fact, some think I'm too honest. Actually, if I'm being honest, I'm really told I need to learn to filter about 80% of what I say. Not necessarily meaning that I should speak less but that I should make sure that what I am saying is what I actually mean to say or how I really feel. Perhaps, if I followed this advice, I would dig myself out of a lot less holes or clean the toe jam out of my teeth! But what if sticking my foot in my mouth is "being nobody but myself"?
I'm really struggling with the balance of being okay with who I am and striving to be a better me. How can I be okay with my imperfections, mistakes and weaknesses when I know they cause others so much grief? And yet, can I really be responsible for how others feel all the time? When is it okay to just let my hair down? And how long should I let my hair go? I'm never going to be perfect so how hard should I try to get myself there?
Let me give you a few examples in my life that illustrate my struggle:
Story #1: My husband takes a lot of time to mentally think through conversations and choose his words carefully. He thinks, aims and then shoots. I talk and then think through the consequences of what I just said. Kind of like: shoot, think, aim - I do things a little backwards. A classic Jenny moment to illustrate this was the time I was with some sister missionaries for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. The sisters had shared scripture and born testimony then, invited the family we were visiting to be baptised. These sisters had been working with this family for a while and were anxious for this family to accept Jesus and be baptized. The father's response came quick and with conviction, "Yes, I will." My mouth dropped - yes? He said yes just like that! I have been a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints my whole life and I believe all the sisters had said but for some reason, hearing the stories now, in this situation they really seemed crazy and I couldn't believe someone would be ready to jump in with both feet so quickly (no pun intended). So, of course without thinking I blurted out, "What? Really? Your going to be baptized just like that?" As soon as I had said these words I wished I could have stuffed them right back in my pie whole! The sister's faces went pale and I realized that I was there to support and encourage them and to bear my own testimony but instead my words could scare away their investigators!! I was horrified and immediately started criticizing myself for being so dumb, rude and impetuous. The father smiled and nodded his head and bore a simple yet tender testimony. My huge mistake ended up being an opportunity for him to explore and confirm to himself and his family how he really felt and that he indeed was ready to be baptized. The spirit was strong and powerful in the room as he spoke. My mistake - just being who I am - became a blessing for everyone there by opening up that opportunity.
Story #2: A friend of mine and I were working on a project together. Each of us had our roles and responsibilities but she consistently went over my head and took control of some of the responsibilities I was incharge of. At first I let it go, it's really just who she is and I knew she was just trying to help but after having it repeated over and over the people under me stopped listening to me and started going to her for instructions instead. Things were getting messy and frustrating and finally I lost my temper. Right before a big event, I laid into her! How dare she come in and take over my project? Was I not capable of doing this job? My people don't even respect me anymore! She was shocked and hurt but did not yell back. She said, "Okay fine. I'm sorry. I was just trying to help." She went back out to see the project to the end trying to follow my lead.
The next day she came over to my house to apologize. She let me know that what I had said had hurt and she was really angry but after thinking about it she realized I was right and she was genuinely sorry for all the frustration she had caused.
We went to our next meeting and told our whole team about the situation and the fault on both our parts. We really opened up to everyone and had a real "heart to heart". Immediately our whole team dynamic changed. We felt more confidence in each other, more unity, more peace about sharing ideas and challenging ideas. I was right in the middle of it all and I still find it hard to believe - the change was so drastic and quick. I will trust those people with my life to the very end and it all started with a mistake - mine and hers. A mistake that ended up creating one of the greatest blessings of friendship in my life.
Story #3: A good friend of mine is a great mother of 7, has an awesome marriage (for real), is a published writer, a lawyer and has a PHD, she frequently is invited to do speaking engagements, is an entrepreneur and has spearheaded several humanitarian projects around the world. I just can't' figure out how to accomplish as much as she does. I can't figure out how to be as effective as she is. I don't want to be her. I just want to be cool like her and touch people's lives. I want to be a rockstar too! Comparing myself to her leaves me wanting to do more and be more but it also leavings me with self down and I often find myself criticizing my own efforts knowing I can never measure up.
Story #4: A month ago I was in a meeting and a lady said, "I speak candidly and if it offends you I'm sorry but that is just who I am and you are going to have to deal with it." A close relative of mine often says, "Yeah, I know I should be different but I've been this way my whole life; I'm not going to change now." These types of attitudes rub me the wrong way. I tune out and lose respect for the person speaking and yet aren't they essentially saying, "I'm being nobody but myself. I am enough just the way I am. Love me for me."?
I will probably continue to struggle with the balance between loving me and believing I am enough and striving to be be a better version of me but writing out all those stories helped me solidify something and that is:
I believe that our "me-ness": the stuff that makes me me and you you; can be the very thing that lifts and brightens and creates hope in others. I believe God makes us the way we are so that we can touch another soul like no one else can. When we work with each others mistakes beautiful things happen. Lives change for the better. I know this is true. And when we live with purpose to do good, being true to ourselves, then God will use us for His good and that is really all I ever want - is to do good for God being who He made me to be.
This is one of my favorite songs and I think it really sums up my feelings today.
I'm a fairly honest person. In fact, some think I'm too honest. Actually, if I'm being honest, I'm really told I need to learn to filter about 80% of what I say. Not necessarily meaning that I should speak less but that I should make sure that what I am saying is what I actually mean to say or how I really feel. Perhaps, if I followed this advice, I would dig myself out of a lot less holes or clean the toe jam out of my teeth! But what if sticking my foot in my mouth is "being nobody but myself"?
I'm really struggling with the balance of being okay with who I am and striving to be a better me. How can I be okay with my imperfections, mistakes and weaknesses when I know they cause others so much grief? And yet, can I really be responsible for how others feel all the time? When is it okay to just let my hair down? And how long should I let my hair go? I'm never going to be perfect so how hard should I try to get myself there?
Let me give you a few examples in my life that illustrate my struggle:
Story #1: My husband takes a lot of time to mentally think through conversations and choose his words carefully. He thinks, aims and then shoots. I talk and then think through the consequences of what I just said. Kind of like: shoot, think, aim - I do things a little backwards. A classic Jenny moment to illustrate this was the time I was with some sister missionaries for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. The sisters had shared scripture and born testimony then, invited the family we were visiting to be baptised. These sisters had been working with this family for a while and were anxious for this family to accept Jesus and be baptized. The father's response came quick and with conviction, "Yes, I will." My mouth dropped - yes? He said yes just like that! I have been a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints my whole life and I believe all the sisters had said but for some reason, hearing the stories now, in this situation they really seemed crazy and I couldn't believe someone would be ready to jump in with both feet so quickly (no pun intended). So, of course without thinking I blurted out, "What? Really? Your going to be baptized just like that?" As soon as I had said these words I wished I could have stuffed them right back in my pie whole! The sister's faces went pale and I realized that I was there to support and encourage them and to bear my own testimony but instead my words could scare away their investigators!! I was horrified and immediately started criticizing myself for being so dumb, rude and impetuous. The father smiled and nodded his head and bore a simple yet tender testimony. My huge mistake ended up being an opportunity for him to explore and confirm to himself and his family how he really felt and that he indeed was ready to be baptized. The spirit was strong and powerful in the room as he spoke. My mistake - just being who I am - became a blessing for everyone there by opening up that opportunity.
Story #2: A friend of mine and I were working on a project together. Each of us had our roles and responsibilities but she consistently went over my head and took control of some of the responsibilities I was incharge of. At first I let it go, it's really just who she is and I knew she was just trying to help but after having it repeated over and over the people under me stopped listening to me and started going to her for instructions instead. Things were getting messy and frustrating and finally I lost my temper. Right before a big event, I laid into her! How dare she come in and take over my project? Was I not capable of doing this job? My people don't even respect me anymore! She was shocked and hurt but did not yell back. She said, "Okay fine. I'm sorry. I was just trying to help." She went back out to see the project to the end trying to follow my lead.
The next day she came over to my house to apologize. She let me know that what I had said had hurt and she was really angry but after thinking about it she realized I was right and she was genuinely sorry for all the frustration she had caused.
We went to our next meeting and told our whole team about the situation and the fault on both our parts. We really opened up to everyone and had a real "heart to heart". Immediately our whole team dynamic changed. We felt more confidence in each other, more unity, more peace about sharing ideas and challenging ideas. I was right in the middle of it all and I still find it hard to believe - the change was so drastic and quick. I will trust those people with my life to the very end and it all started with a mistake - mine and hers. A mistake that ended up creating one of the greatest blessings of friendship in my life.
Story #3: A good friend of mine is a great mother of 7, has an awesome marriage (for real), is a published writer, a lawyer and has a PHD, she frequently is invited to do speaking engagements, is an entrepreneur and has spearheaded several humanitarian projects around the world. I just can't' figure out how to accomplish as much as she does. I can't figure out how to be as effective as she is. I don't want to be her. I just want to be cool like her and touch people's lives. I want to be a rockstar too! Comparing myself to her leaves me wanting to do more and be more but it also leavings me with self down and I often find myself criticizing my own efforts knowing I can never measure up.
Story #4: A month ago I was in a meeting and a lady said, "I speak candidly and if it offends you I'm sorry but that is just who I am and you are going to have to deal with it." A close relative of mine often says, "Yeah, I know I should be different but I've been this way my whole life; I'm not going to change now." These types of attitudes rub me the wrong way. I tune out and lose respect for the person speaking and yet aren't they essentially saying, "I'm being nobody but myself. I am enough just the way I am. Love me for me."?
I will probably continue to struggle with the balance between loving me and believing I am enough and striving to be be a better version of me but writing out all those stories helped me solidify something and that is:
I believe that our "me-ness": the stuff that makes me me and you you; can be the very thing that lifts and brightens and creates hope in others. I believe God makes us the way we are so that we can touch another soul like no one else can. When we work with each others mistakes beautiful things happen. Lives change for the better. I know this is true. And when we live with purpose to do good, being true to ourselves, then God will use us for His good and that is really all I ever want - is to do good for God being who He made me to be.
This is one of my favorite songs and I think it really sums up my feelings today.
Truth is harder than a lie
The dark seems safer than the light
And everyone has a heart that loves to hide
I'm a mess and so are you
We've built walls nobody can get through
Yeah, it may be hard, but the best thing we could ever do, ever do
The dark seems safer than the light
And everyone has a heart that loves to hide
I'm a mess and so are you
We've built walls nobody can get through
Yeah, it may be hard, but the best thing we could ever do, ever do
Bring your brokenness, and I'll bring mine
'Cause love can heal what hurt divides
And mercy's waiting on the other side
If we're honest
If we're honest
'Cause love can heal what hurt divides
And mercy's waiting on the other side
If we're honest
If we're honest
Don't pretend to be something that you're not
Living life afraid of getting caught
There is freedom found when we lay our secrets down at the cross, at the cross
Living life afraid of getting caught
There is freedom found when we lay our secrets down at the cross, at the cross
So bring your brokenness, and I'll bring mine
'Cause love can heal what hurt divides
And mercy's waiting on the other side
If we're honest
If we're hones
'Cause love can heal what hurt divides
And mercy's waiting on the other side
If we're honest
If we're hones
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