"What's wrong with us?"
We had been best friends for 16 years: going to each others family celebrations, talking until all hours of the night, taking family trips together, playing games any chance we could get and yet for last 5 years I had felt that things were different and I couldn't escape the awkward feelings I had each time we got together or even saw each other unexpectedly in a store. "What was wrong with us?"
I started making up stories to explain the distance I felt between us.
1 - Friends can't stay close if you don't give them time. I had taken a job as a 6th grade teacher and every spare second went into lesson plans and activities for my students. I just hadn't given the relationship the time it deserved. It's my fault. Now she has other friends and they have taken my place.
2 - Well the truth is she really is too good for you. She always has been. She has more money than you. She is way more fun and can let loose and you are up tight and always self righteous. She has a whole slew of awesome cooler than me friends. We were probably never even friends. I bet I was a service project from the beginning.
3 - I have lost some of my closest friends in the past. It must be time to lose her too.
These stories repeated over and over in my mind. Each time she and her husband would come to play games at my house and then leave early the stories in my mind told me they were really just there to be nice and they couldn't put up with me any longer. When we saw each other at a store or in church the quick hello/ good-bye became expected. She simply didn't / doesn't have time for me right now. The list goes on and on.
Seeing her became a source of complete anxiety. I knew something had to be done - either I just except that the relationship is over (i.e. I don't need her pity friendship), or I go talk to her and figure out how to make it better by learning the truth behind the behavior.
I decided to talk however, deciding and doing are two different things. Actually getting the courage to go over to her house to have the conversation took me an entire year. Oh ,I saw her plenty of times, but I never had the courage to say anything about my feelings. I was too ashamed of my behavior to talk with her. I was ashamed at how childish I was being. I was acting like a junior high kid whining about some girl problems. I was ashamed of how totally crazy and psychotic I must be. Adults don't go over to people's houses and say, "Hey what's wrong with us?" I might as well have written a note that said, "Do you still like me? Check the box. Yes or No" Adults get over things and move on. I'm being hormonal. I'm thinking illogical (okay that part was true). She is going to disown me as a friend just because I am so drama!
The frustration, questioning and anxiety just kept building. One of my focuses for January of this year was to Follow - NO Fear. basically do what I think I need to do and don't talk my self out of it for any reason. This last Sunday I decided that the time had come. I was sure that I was going to embarrass myself completely but I went over there anyway to figure out, "What is wrong with us?"
After some small talk with her family we went into a more private room and I simply asked, "What is wrong with us?" She had no idea what I was talking about. I tried to explain again about the awkward tension between us and she genuinely acted baffled. She said, "I adore you! You are on my short list of best friends of all time. There is nothing wrong with us." And then, realizing that she might be shutting my feeling down, she quickly added, "I mean, if I have done anything to hurt you I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to. If you think something is wrong we can talk about it. What do you think is wrong?" We continued to talk for 2 hours about what I thought was wrong and how our relationship was changing. She helped me see the reasons for the change but taught me that change doesn't have to mean an ending nor does it mean that someone isn't doing their part to keep the relationship going the way it has always been. Change simply means change. And that is okay.
I was a mess when I went to her house, and a complete mess during most of the 2 hour conversation, but she allowed me to talk and talk until I actually started to make some sense and toward the end of the conversation I started realizing the huge part fear and shame had taken in forming my thoughts and actions. The stories I came up with, in order to hide my shame, took a hold of me, causing me to act and think in ways contrary to truth. My shame of being in a lower social group than her, my shame of being a working mother, and my shame in losing friends in the past led me to project all of those feelings on this one situation.
I am so grateful for a good friend that would work through that shame with me; help me talk about it so that it is now real. It's out there and because it is out there it no longer has power over me. When those same shame triggers and emotions start creeping up on me I will know it and be able to call it what it is and not start making up stories to cover it up or explain it away. We not only talked about what triggered the shame but what I had done and thought because of the shame and then she encouraged me to go and figure out the origin of that shame; where is it really coming from?
I left her house feeling so much lighter. I have to be honest, there was still apart of me that was a little embarrassed to be so dramatic, but honestly, the peace I have felt over the course of the last week has been remarkable!
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